Sex in a Phone box (Column No.1459)
Sex in a phone box.
Psychologists maintain there are four traumatic events in one’s life : loss of a loved one, loss of a job, changing houses and changing phones, not necessarily in that order. Indeed it will be of no surprise to anyone just how high up the order, ordering a new phone can be.
You go through an astonishing range of emotions changing phones, from the elation of buying something shiny and new to the fear when you realise how much you have spent to stay in touch with the world at every waking (and sleeping) moment.
Other emotions arrive when the phone arrives, adorned in the most beautiful packaging known to mankind. Packaging so beautiful that there is an entire You Tube channel devoted to people whose only joy in life is unboxing their phone. Many people have stopped right there, and just kept using their old phone after putting the new one on the mantel piece.
When old people reminisce about the fun they had in phone boxes when they were young, young people nod in understanding.
The first thing you must do with a new phone is spend another squillion dollars on a charger and protective bits so the shiny bits stay that way.
However, actually, the first thing most people do is drop their new phone, at which point time itself slows down to super slo-mo (an amazing feature embodied in the new phone btw) so you have time to lament every scratch and dent just as it happens, overwhelmed with regret.
Once you’ve overcome that, a brand new raft of emotions emerges, lead by frustration as you wonder where the ‘On’ button is, finally realising there isn’t one, it just needs your face (which is angering for many like Ms L, whose phone doesn’t recognise her in the morning) but which barely registers compared to the pain of trying to get all your old data onto the new.
But don’t worry, there’s three things you can do : Put it on the mantel piece and use your old phone, take it to the Apple store and pay them to do it, or lastly, give it to a teenager.
This will give you enough time to squeeze in a glass of wine before it’s all set up and another glass to overcome the realisation it does nothing your old phone didn’t do.
Silver Lining Adelaide Hills Chardonnay 2021, $30. Alas the silver lining is the first thing to be damaged when you drop your new phone so might as well have a glass of wine that reminds you, eh? Pretty suave stuff for less money than a phone protector. 9.3/10.
Silver Lining Adelaide Hills Sauvignon Blanc 2021, $25. Some phones have a silver lining in their packaging which is highly regarded and sought after among the unboxing fraternity, for whom a bottle of this is the ideal gift. 9.2/10.
Houghton WA Margaret River Gladstones Cabernet Sauvignon 2019, $99.99. Gladstones put Margaret River on the map and is rewarded as the middleman of a trio of posh wines recognising great Houghton identities. Suitably sophisticated and honorific stuff for your 99.99. Same price as a screen protector incidentally, and at this price, maybe you need one for the wine too? 9.5/10.
Houghton WA Frankland River C.W. Ferguson Cabernet Malbec 2019, $77.99. CW is not Bonnie and Clyde's cohort, but a Houghton winemaker a couple of decades prior who had the good sense to employ the dad of this trio's top billing, Jack Mann. Not sure if CW gets the gong as a winemaker or matchmaker, but this is good gear. 9.6/10.
Quilty & Gransden Orange (Elegant Cool Climate) Cabernet Sauvignon 2018, $15. If you have Orange on the front label, surely Elegant Cool Climate is superfluous? Everybody knows it is, as are its wines, including this. Truth in advertising, if redundant. 9.2/10.
Quilty & Gransden Orange (Elegant Cool Climate) Shiraz 2018, $15. The classy labels of the Quilty/Gransdens match the posh name but belie the price and wouldn’t be out of place beside an iPhone box, which makes it perfect unboxing party wine. 9.1/10.
